Let's not overthink this (and a low-key hang)🪜

A mishmash of what is working and not, some personal inventory, and, as usual, a few random recommendations.

Welcome to Permission Granted, a newsletter I send *very* intermittently. I’m unraveling a whole mess of personal change around career, ambition, parenting, failure, success, and self. I am accepting members into The Messy/Stuck Club (working title). Our first official meeting is forthcoming. It means a lot when you comment, reply to me, and share this. So thank you.

Hi, hello, hi.

A couple of newsletters ago, I wrote: “In this phase, it can seem like everyone who was going to succeed already has.” It resonated with a few of you who reached out, primarily writers and creatives¹, but also folks who feel like they missed some boat along the way to becoming an “adult.” They’re waving from the shore as some mythic SS ADULTHOOD heads off into the horizon.

In the past few months, I’ve heard friends use this “I’m not a real adult because…” qualifier when speaking about:

• the quality of their bedding

• their job title

• how many and what type of dresses they own

• the size of their home

• the most recent “X number of people under X age” list for whatever industry (we don’t have enough time in the world for this conversation)

• the current state of their sports bra collection

• the contents of their fridge

• and I could keep going…

We have been scammed by this concept of adulthood! It doesn’t have to mean heavy, expensive, annoying things OR fully intact athletic apparel! Don’t let adulthood tell you what it is and whether or not you’re doing it right! It’s also not a dirty word. Remember, it’s something you knew was coming and…maybe wanted? Despite the inevitability we are all headed toward, you're the captain, so let’s make it work for us.

This “real adult” thing is a myth. Because here’s what I’ve learned by spending time with folks who ~*have it all figured out*~: we’re all somewhere deep in it, trying to hide a stain on our pants we thought you couldn’t see, embarrassed about some physical trait that no one else even notices, grieving some image of ourselves that didn’t quite manifest, trying to connect to other people.

We can feel “out of step” with our peers for many reasons both real and imagined. We open our phones and everyone has something to celebrate or is out there doing, so it can start to feel shameful not to. And while I know I’m not alone in desperately wanting to sink into a sense of contentment and appreciation for all that we have that is good, that is easier said than done.

I have felt out of touch, both far away and too tightly tethered. I have felt out of step when I think of myself as an atomized particle, when I don’t check in with what matters right now, when I refuse to let that change.

Conversation is the antidote to “in step” because we cannot help but be human when we stop to listen or share, or ideally both.

And as with fears about sending out this newsletter because I have nothing to say, I’m here today with my current mantra: let’s not overthink it. Overthinking keeps me away from you, when everything you have told me is that you’re here for the process. Over the past three years I have tried to make myself into a whole bunch of things. I have started and quit (too much!). I have been told I am not ambitious. I have been quiet when I don’t want to be. I have changed. You have too.

I don’t want to wait another day. So here’s what is guiding me today. It’s simple, but not easy. Three things:

1. Don’t overthink doing things that make you feel like you. I haven’t been running with the stroller as much since the accident. I did, however, bring D along for a 10k in Santa Cruz in March. This race welcomed participants of all stripes — strollers, dogs, kids — so I felt relatively protected. I signed up less than 48 hours before the race, which meant there was no time to overthink it. Not only did it reinforce that I don’t have to be SO beholden to a nap schedule (within reason), but it reminded me what it’s like to do something that makes me feel really really good. I felt like me. I want more of that. ✅

2. Don’t underestimate low-key hangs. The best protections we have against all of this angst are our relationships. I don’t want to lose the skill of talking about big and small pieces of life in the same breath. I want to know what my loved ones’ lives look like on a Tuesday, a Saturday, a Friday afternoon. I worry that our modern insistence on boundaries and the joys of staying in have de-conditioned us to be side by side, to let conversations float in and out with a natural cadence, the way they did during long study sessions on the quad, or a Saturday afternoon on the couch with the overlapping lives of roommate days.

   My current life situation doesn’t include the low key hang as much as I’d like it to, but it’s a goal. It is a goal that is as important any other one I have. In my list of desires for the next few years, building a local community is at the top (I can’t stop talking about it!). I have had it before, I will again. My friend Jo has written about having this. I’m jealous but I’m lucky that she’s coming to low key hang with me (and you!) next week (more below). I can name something that I want from this next chapter, even if it doesn’t look like “ambition.” ✅

3. Don’t assume you’re the only one changing. If we’re doing this human thing as honestly as we can, we all have a lot more going on than we talk about. Your job, parenting status, personal style, history of running ultramarathons, and sex life aren’t worth clinging to for deal life. None of it is interesting enough to make a whole person (I mean it!), so let the rest of you come along for the ride. Let yourself change and evolve again and again.

   Our dreams and priorities change drastically through the chapters of our lives. We know that to be true of ourselves, and isn’t it interesting to explore? Let’s ask each other about it a little more. Let’s not overthink the conversations we have and the places they go. I can listen for change, expect it, and see it in other people as much as I do in myself. ✅

It’s not much, but it’s enough for now. That ADULTHOOD boat is a cruise you didn’t want a ticket for anyway. “In step” is a concept worth questioning, but taking stock of your changing priorities can show you where to put your feet next. I can’t fix the way it makes you feel when you look at your feeds (the ones you see, the ones you halfway invent), but I can remind you of these things.

We can do what makes us feel alive, especially when it brings us together, even as we are all changing.

So what matters to you right now?

You’re here. We’re here. What can I do for you? I love to hear from you.

Next Monday evening (the late afternoon of Juneteenth, Monday June 19), my friend and Assembly member Jo Piazza and her coauthor Christine Pride are coming to Book Passage in Corte Madera to support their just-released second novel You Were Always Mine. Jo and I will be there starting at 5 pm, come catch up!

I’d love to see you. Thank you, thank you. As always, take good good care. And if you’re around the Bay Area, I hope to see you next week.

xo,

Molly

Stuff and things:

(Admin Note: I started writing this newsletter like 2 months ago, so all these recs are not that up to date! But I’m sticking with it!)

I’ve been getting a lot of energy from these little conversations in the chats section of Substack. It’s a back and forth — comments from me, you, all of us. Life updates, what we’re up to, vibe checks. Most recently: reflecting on outsourcing music taste to a partner, hanging out, old faithful activities feeling hard.

Feel good TV thing that made me laugh out loud (rare!): Jury Duty on freevee

Recent recommended shows with messy female protagonists: Wellmania, Single Drunk Female (season 2, but start with season 1), Beef (the final two episodes are spectacular), Extraordinary

Snack: Good Culture cottage cheese (she’s been influenced!), drizzle of good olive oil, salt, pepper, crackers. I say crackers, but sometimes it is rice cakes which my husband says is “very depressing.”

Calming face thing: Tower 28 SOS Rescue Spray

Two good mascaras: One by Merit (this one is tubes, if you’re into that) and the other is also by Tower 28! Though the thing with mascara might be the same as it is with workout clothes — my favorite stuff is always my newest.

Candy (duh): These Katje’s plant-based gummies are v good.

Cider summer: Fort Point has two new ciders and they a delight!! If you see them out in the wild, I highly recommend grabbing some.

Pants are where it’s at: I regret to inform you that I have two pairs of fancy pants that I love, one is from Tibi and the other from The Row (not exact but close to this, on deep sale, but still huge woof!). I also recently shared a denim journey on IG that landed me in a pair of Moussy Vintage. And, in better news, these JCrew pants are easy and great. That’s a lot of pants!

White t-shirts: The Big Favorite

Books: It’s been a slow reading season. I liked I Have Some Questions For You and am working on a book club relaunch (no promises). I have been listening to the audiobook of Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals and enjoying the perspective.

1. I want to come back to the creative part of it (because let me tell you, this feeling has not subsided), but for today, the personal.