Welcome to Permission Granted, a little corner of the internet carved out to work through what “wellness” means in each of our lives. I want you to feel healthy. I want you to feel free. And I want all of us to think about our place in this world. Usually, this is where I plug the paid version of the newsletter, but, frankly, I need to prove to you (and myself!) that I can be more consistent with sending this out. So, for now, that’s on hold (more details at the end), but if you’re so inclined you can always…
Hello, my friends.
It’s me, your most (??) delinquent newsletter-er. It’s been a hell of a lot longer than I expected. There is, as usual, a graveyard of drafts that have come between us. It’s exactly what happens when you let the expectations of a result loom so large that it gets in the way of the task you’re looking to do. Friday mornings came and went, often with the ritual of sitting down to finish this. And then, and then.
I knew it had gotten bad when people stopped saying “I enjoy your newsletter” and started saying “I loved getting your newsletter.” Oh, everyone thinks it has ended! No no, I just got stuck inside my brain for a bit. Hello [wave]!
Let’s not dwell on that (no one was injured in the hiatus of this newsletter). Here we are. Here we are. How are you, love? How are things feeling as they slosh around inside your head? Where are the places you have chosen to act? Where did you take the reins and participate in an outcome, even within some exceptionally trying circumstances?
Since we last talked I made some big decisions, which always feels like an accomplishment. I usually fall into a deep spiral of regret as soon as any decision is made. I do not thrive in the limbo period between decision-making and result happening. But, I’ve lived long enough to know that once I am on the other side, I am generally fine. Or better than fine! Thriving! Instead of trying to change this about myself, I’ve adapted around it. For example:
Friend: Aren’t you excited to move into your new home?
Me: Not at the moment, but I know that I’ll be happy once I’m there. And if not, it doesn’t have to be permanent! I can leave!
Which of course sounds a lot more like a threat to pack my bags in the middle of the night than I intended it to. I’m a real joy to talk to (three weeks in, the new home is going well).
Making decisions feels like participating in your own life, which is just about the most powerful thing you can do. And still, it paralyzes most of us. What I’ve seen is that we make a choice 100 times before we make it. We make it and do nothing. We make it and then unmake it ten minutes later. We make it and then immediately return to the status quo, waiting for some unknown outside force to put the decision into action. We make it and we sit. We tell ourselves we will wait to see about one more thing. One more thing. One more thing.
And then — I don’t know how or why or what makes this time different than any other time — in one very *non-magical* moment, it just sticks. The beginning or ending begins. The action starts. The wheels are in motion towards a new outcome. And even after all that, it still feels sudden.
So when you see someone make a choice, on anything they’ve been talking themselves into and out of for months or even years, remember this: they are no longer asking for advice. They are telling you who they are choosing to be.
Sidebar: We give each other about 95% more advice than we need to. It’s human nature and I don’t blame us for it (silence is so weird!). We can be more mindful of when we hear someone asking for our input vs. when they simply need you to hear what they’re experiencing. I am working on this every day.
I never *decided* to stop writing, but I did — again and again — question having anything of value to add to the conversation. I second-guess every sentence. What and who am I not considering? How do I account for every possible intention? How do I do this with care and honesty? And for the love of god, how do I break myself of the crutch of writing with questions?
Today, it matters more to me to show up in your inbox than to feel like I have (caps lock) SOMETHING TO SAY. It’s not a revelation, but I see you, just like I see me, struggling with a changing identity, struggling with what feels like resignation to a different truth of self, struggling as life barrels on. As time goes on (and we get *gasp* older) more people you know will get sick, face real trauma, and happen upon good fortune that you could never conceive. It will happen. It is happening.
I feel it happening.
So to any of you who are in that decision limbo, I can tell you, whether it’s your first time deciding or your last, it’s sunny on the other side. None of this is going to get easier, but there are things we can do to help each other. ☀️
If today is not your day for a decision, it can be the day you try it on for size and hang it back up in your closet. We can’t all become our bravest selves on the same day. That would be chaos! If it’s tomorrow, I’ll see you there.
I have spent the past few months taking on some fairly big changes that I’ll be sharing here if you stick around.
Assuming it’s not today, let’s make a deal to be kind to yourself. Not necessarily in the way that any “wellness” magazine or guru would tell you to. Unfortunately, the world of “wellness” I love so dearly will consistently and universally make us feel like shit along the way. Perhaps that’s why somewhere deep down I’m on a mission to fix a small part of it.
We exercise in an attempt to exorcise out the terrible things we feel about ourselves instead of feeling for when it brings joy. We punish our bodies in ways big and small with the words we use and the restrictions we internalize. We see only our failures and cloud ourselves with what we shoulda coulda woulda done. I know I should. I know I should. I know I should.
I am deciding to be here because it makes me happy. I am deciding to be here because writing is the thing that feels central to me in a way that I don’t want to give up. That’s a decision I have to make consistently. What is that thing for you?
This newsletter is all over the place, but that’s what we’re here for, aren’t we? I can’t wait another week. I’m back. I missed you. It may be a new chapter around here, so thank you for sticking around.
I want to know what’s on your mind, so tell me. It will help shape the direction we go in next…
🌟 We Are Not Like Them x Book Passage x The Assembly Book Club Event 🌟
My friend Jo’s new book We Are Not Like Them is coming out and I’m coming out of event semi-retirement to celebrate! Join me, co-authors Christine Pride and Jo Piazza, The Assembly Book Club (so…you?), and Book Passage on October 12 for a night of (virtual) conversation and community.
Grab a copy of the book and sign up for the event. It will be a trip! AND if you want to participate in the conversation with me (and get a copy of the book) shoot me an email – I’m looking for some folks to come chat with us!
Final self-promotional plug, some nice words about me and you. Thank you for being here. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Take care, always. Always take care.
xoxo,
Molly
P.S. If you’ve been a paid subscriber for the past few months (thank you!), I’m going to pause all payments to make up for the time I’ve been MIA. No need to do anything at all — but you may get an email about this, so consider yourself warned! 😥
P.P.S. The Very Relaxed and Non-Consistent (it’s a theme!) Book Club will live on. IF you got the memo and read Animal by Lisa Taddeo, please hmu if you want to have a conversation about it. Otherwise, join us for the aforementioned Book Passage event (and from there, on we go).
You’ve made it all the way down here! Do you want some links?
Things I’ve bought that I enjoy:
A delightful cutting board (that always sells out, but they do restock!)
A dress to embrace the summery-fall of SF
A sweater because it’s sort of always fall around here?
Newsletters I pay for and love (you can find them on IG too, of course):
Casey Johnston’s newsletter about fitness/exercise that I adore (I truly believe that if we shifted our perceptions about weight lifting as women we would be a little bit happier as a whole group)
Jessica DeFino’s newsletter about the beauty/anti-aging industry
Things I’ve watched and listened to worth my time:
The Lularich docuseries, which was missing some big things for me, but any documentary where the “villain” is actually in it is a win (see also: the Woodstock 99 nightmare).
Only Murders in the Building because Steve Martin/Martin Short/Selena Gomez is a delightful trio
The Zola movie.