Welcome to Permission Granted, a little corner of the internet carved out to work through what “wellness” means in each of our lives. I want you to feel healthy. I want you to feel free. And I want all of us to think about our place in this world. Stick around and consider upgrading from the monthly(ish) to the ~more frequent~ edition ($5/month). This usually means 2-3 more pieces between the longer emails. Sometimes I skip a week. It is what it is.
Hi, hello.
Ever since I shut The Assembly, I’ve become the patron saint of closing your business. It’s not quite the position I thought I would be in (tbh, I preferred when I was just the patron saint of figuring out what workout to do). We can’t choose our callings, I suppose. My line is open — come on down!
I field calls and emails from entrepreneurial tourists who to hear what it’s like on the other side. I love these conversations, even if all I can offer is reassurance that there is peace in every decision. I’ve been through the worst of it, and I’m still here. I divulge more than I probably should as I try to paint an honest picture. I talk about the good and the hard, the things I can only see in retrospect, and some stuff I haven’t written about yet (when I can, I will). I’ll also rattle off unsolicited ideas, free of charge!
Lately, the calls have looked like something else as well. What do I do when all of the options seem terrible? Will I feel this way forever? Is it okay to think that it might be time to stop? It’s about career decisions. It’s about everything else too.
I don’t have all the answers. I, too, spend too much time digging for details about people who seem to have it all figured out. How old was she when she had her kid? Where did she work before this? Is that what made her seem better on paper, or is she just better than I am? None of this gets me anywhere. We do a piss poor job of listening to our logical brains a lot of the time, don’t we?
It is the job of our lifetimes to free ourselves from the endless slog of questioning our own decisions, comparing our timelines, and scrolling ourselves numb.
Unfortunately, I have the same compulsive need to be loved that afflicts so many of us. This need for acceptance and validation clouds my vision so much that I lose my autonomy. We accept what we don’t want because we don’t think anything better is coming. We do so without ever asking for what we need, only hurting ourselves. And then we are surprised and disappointed when what we really desire doesn’t find us.
No one can read your mind, so when you’re figuring out what you’re looking for, you better get specific.
There are 15 half-written versions of this email in my drafts. I get bogged down by the insincerity of other people’s words on these same topics, trying to placate all of us. I want to hold myself to the highest standard I can or send nothing at all. It’s amazing how much I get in my own way. I wonder if I’m doing enough to participate in the conversation around mental health. I remind myself I’m not a professional, just a friend. I ask my therapist whether she's sick of all the therapy speak on the internet these days? She laughs. Sort of.
A few months back I talked to an entrepreneur who has started a few companies, the most recent of which has seen a huge amount of success. With his previous businesses, he had felt like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill. He thought that was what it meant to be an entrepreneur — every day an insurmountable challenge. With this latest company, it’s different. From the beginning, he felt like he was trying to direct a boulder down a hill. The decisions are still relentless, but this time around it’s about keeping the momentum going in the right direction (and not getting crushed in the process). He hadn’t known this second way was possible, but he felt it immediately. It was a small anecdote in a larger conversation and it’s stuck with me. I’ve retold it often since.
No one can read your mind and no one else lives inside your business, so you have to be honest with yourself about when things are working.
There are the tasks in our lives that need to feel like pushing the boulder uphill. It’s part of being a human. It’s also your job to recognize when it’s just not happening — in a job, in a relationship, in a creative project that isn’t coming together. Not everything has to be work all the time. We take on more than we need to and convince ourselves it’s what we need to do to deserve love.
Where have you been pushing the boulder long enough. Where, despite your best efforts, is it not starting to roll on its own. There are better boulders waiting for you. You’ll know when you find them.
Failure is when think you’ve run out of options. Over the past few months in addition to entrepreneurs at crossroads, I’ve talked to friends whose mental health has thrown a cloak over their eyes so they can’t even see 6 inches ahead, women on the brink of retirement terrified for the unknown abyss that lies ahead, and a whole host of people who feel stuck. The refrain is the same: I am sitting here with this boulder and frankly, it’s not going in either direction. When the voices inside convince you that every direction is a dead end, you cannot blame yourself for wanting to sit down, let it bowl you over, and cry.
We are experts in seeing possibilities for other people. It is our responsibility to be little mirrors for each other, the help we need to see around a tricky corner. Reach out and start the conversation. Heck, start it with me. Possibility has to start somewhere and when it’s not coming from within, it’s time to send up a flare.
The decision of what you do with your life and time is yours, but that takes some effort to realize. And you may as well get some help thinking through the options. Be realistic with what requires your time — it’s a most precious resource — and be relentlessly honest about what is working.
Remember this, my loves. Hustle culture is a garbage lie imposed on us by late stage capitalism and designed to suck the life out of us to prop up a patriarchal and racist system. That said, our brains have adapted and this nonstop world of comparison makes us feel like harder-better-faster-stronger-younger is the only way, so it’s going to take some time to turn that off. Go slow. Be gentle.
These have been a tough few months for me. Maybe they have been for you, too. I will tell you all about it soon. Until then, my darkness will pass. I do believe that, and that’s enough optimism for me.
We can’t read each other’s minds and we know so little of each other’s full lives. None of us shows everything. Be decent, be decent, be decent.
I hope for that for you from everyone you meet. Every day. Always.
Happy Pride! My TikTok feed is full of a lot of extremely joyful pride content, which makes me excited to see this month of celebrations. While we’re at it, take a moment to understand what is actually happening with all of the Anti-Transgender legislation that has taken hold around the country.
And as we’re bombarded with corporations sharing “messages” on things this month, sit with this, too. The insides have to match the outsides, and they rarely do:
Thank you for reading. Be kinder to each other than you want to be. These systems are grinding all of us down. Is there something I can help you think through? I’m here and I’d love to: askaway@theassembly.com.
Take good, good care.
xo,
Molly
Book Club is Back! After a short hiatus, we’re back, and our June book is Caul Baby by Morgan Jerkins. A little bit mystical, a lot bit about sisterhood, I’m excited to dig into this debut novel from an already-best selling author. Book club is 4 pm on June 27. As always, its under 400 pages so you have time. I believe in you. Sign up here to join!
Random links, media recommendations, things I’ve bought, and internet ephemera:
Bo Burnham’s new special Inside. Creating art about the experience of this pandemic will be a tough needle to thread. Bo Burnham, coming out of comedy retirement, has made something incredible with Inside. In moments it hits so close to home it feels dangerous, personal. I am happy this exists. Topics include, but are not limited to: sexting, white women on Instagram, depression, sock puppets, facetiming with mom, woke brands, and a very Emcee from Cabaret-style song about the internet serving us “everything all of the time” that will make your head spin.
AND, I know it shouldn’t matter (and I do not know them), but the fact that he is 30 and his girlfriend (of 6+ years) is 43 makes me feel even more warm towards him. I remain impressed that, at 23, he snagged a stunning, fully adult 36-year-old accomplished writer-director-producer. And it’s lasted. You love to see it!
Listen to the new album Jubilee from Japanese Breakfast. Specifically, this line from the song “Posing in Bondage” has been in my head for weeks: “when the world divides into two people, those who have felt pain and those who have yet to. And I can’t unsee it, though I would like to.” And let me be the 100th person to re-recommend Crying in H Mart, a recently released best-selling memoir about grief and food from the band’s frontwoman (and lead everything) Michelle Zauner.
“[O]ne of the world’s best athletes would literally rather quit a grand slam tournament than have to talk to the press. Rather than scrutinising what that says about her, it might be worth asking what that says about us.” — Jonathan Lieu, The Guardian.
The post game press conference is a laughably archaic practice that has no place in a modern world where athletes have platforms and control over their own narrative. Naomi Osaka flexing her autonomy is an inspiration and she deserves all the support in the world. Also, anyone clinging to a tradition from the dawn of media is a clown and should truly reevaluate things. The journalists in those chairs are scared for their shitty jobs and are probably being held accountable to unattainable goals, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior. As always, the blame lies lots of places.
I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. Mommenpop is the best (low ABV) aperitif. Don’t listen to anyone who tries to pitch you on “healthy alcohol” — it’s all poison in your body, baby! But if you’re doing it, at least have the best tasting spritz.
“One of the skills I’ve acquired since turning 40 is the ability to recognize there will likely always be a gap between seeing a photo of myself and appreciating it. That gap, I’ve realized, is the time it takes me to overcome all the ways I’ve been taught to value myself in the world. The older I get, the more I understand that delay as evidence of a sort of theft. One that I’m only now understanding has occurred, and it is my anger over that which has helped shorten it.” This whole essay from Glynnis MacNicol holds so many truths. I think about this sort of theft all the time.
Two irreverent, wonderful films: Together Together and Plan B. One irreverent, wonderful comedy series: Hacks.
“The undertow of modern athletics is that a woman like Biles can simultaneously be treated as the face of gymnastics and still something foreign to it.” Lex Pryor on the dominance of Simone Biles and the all too familiar narrative around black excellence in athletics.
This little ceramic octopus-looking heated massager thing is a true delight. You fill it with boiling water and then massage any places with soreness or tension. Okay, it is impossible to talk about a self-massager without it sounding like lame innuendo. Trust I would tell you if this seemed suited for sexy stuff and I cannot take responsibility for where you use this, but it gets SCALDING HOT (very very hot, so be careful!). I bought it for my broken finger rehab. A friend used it for sciatica. It’s adorable and feels great.
Every interview with Renée Elise Goldsberry around the release of Girls5Eva is worth your time, but I especially highly recommended the conversation on co-star Busy Philipps’s podcast. Girls5Eva (which is, very annoyingly, only on the streaming service Peacock) exceeded my expectations. Watching it felt comfortable, fun, and nostalgic. It’s been a long time since a new show did that.
As someone who has often been self-conscious about the skin on my arms, I’m excited to try Soft Services, the new body skincare line from two former Glossier team members.
I have always been an inbox zero person, and this is the first case for inbox infinity that made me reevaluate my time. These numbers are pointless as we are all flooded with nonsense, the work we do to delete it all is truly a waste of precious time, and the search functions work pretty well these days.
“It’s important for me to do it for these kids.” We’re rooting for you, CeCe Tefler. CeCe, an openly transgender woman and NCAA champion hurdler who is working tirelessly to qualify for the Olympics, just keeps running.
Books out this week that I preordered to my local bookstore and are at the top of my To Read list: Somebody’s Daughter by Ashley C Ford, Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid, and One Last Stop by Casey McQuinston.
The vast majority of my home cleaning purchases are marketed to me as responsible in one way or another, but every once in a while people get so riled up about a product that I just can’t help but buy it, harsh chemicals and all. Enter: Dawn Powerwash. People are losing their damn minds over this dish spray. There are reusable parts *and* it uses less water. It is as satisfying as it can be!
Ok, I can’t finish this list with dishwashing. A summer sweatshirt I love. A steadfast rec for the most soothing desk toy in the world.
love you. thank you.
I'm trying to reach the Combs', do you have an email address for them?
Molly, thank you so much for writing this.
The Assembly was a beautiful gift to the city, I learned so much from every community event and appreciated every design decision that made the space warm, open, and welcoming.
It's been a hard year for so many people and I so appreciate the work you're doing behind the scenes to support the community during this tough time.