Do You Realize?
Hi you.
It was the day before my birthday and I was feeling a bit nostalgic. I wanted to visit old me, before all of this. So I broke the primary rule of morning pages and dug back into the archives for my birthday entry from one year ago. Objectively, things are worse now (lol, yup). Going through all the reasons why isn't necessary — we're all living in the same world — but in case you missed it, at the top of my list is the pandemic leading to losing The Assembly.
A year ago, as I turned 37, The Assembly was hitting its stride. New opportunities were opening up. We were looking at other cities, exploring expansion ideas, dreaming up and executing on exceptional experiences, and feeling like the mechanics of 449 were truly, finally clicking into place. And yet, that is not the story in those pages.
Instead of taking stock of what was going right, I could only see myself falling short. I was focused in all the wrong places. I was deeply lost in a competition where I made up the rules and was the only person playing. I repeatedly eviscerated myself for not accomplishing enough on a timeline invented and enforced by me. I was analyzing every inch of every image of myself to see the faults. I was so far down my own spiral that I'm not sure I could have emerged without being completely knocked off track. Little did I know, that was coming right around the corner.
Hello, 2020. Goodbye, track.
And so, after a moment of sadness for old me (and, ahem, at the suggestion of my therapist), I turned that realization into a decision. Instead of trying to accomplish anything, I was going to decide on joy. Just to try it out. I was going to seek out joy even — especially — at a time when joy feels like the farthest thing from what is appropriate or called for. I was going to challenge myself to get out of my own head and into this very precise moment in the world. I was going to throw the competition I was losing anyway. I was gonna take a big ol' DNF in that race.
What I found: Joy is not relentless positivity. Joy is a radical rethinking of the world we live in and how we make space for the creativity and energy of others. Joy is a shift of priorities, not a shirking of responsibilities. Putting effort into joy does not mean escaping the grief, frustration, anger, rage, or necessary stickiness that keeps us fighting. Joy is fully wrapping your head around the fact that none of this is a zero-sum game, so giving support away is always and only good. Joy is not looking at the photo right after it is taken and immediately critiquing yourself. Joy is knowing that when you look at it in a few weeks, months, or years you'll be happy for the moment you had.
Joy doesn't change reality. In fact, joy is so much richer when it comes out of seeing the change that is possible and putting that ahead of whatever you may have thought you needed in the first place. Joy can enable and power the current dismantling because it can shift the expectations. Joy exists in the open spaces between the critical actions. Joy exists within the critical actions too. Joy is what makes those actions worth it.
Joy is about finding a way to feel all of it at the same time. Joy is about noticing and staying in it.
For years, I was so convinced I was losing at something that the joy just slipped right on by. The thing is, I couldn't possibly win. For no reason other than this: winning doesn't exist. Not when I keep moving the finish line. Not when I keep inventing new rules. I am not going to win. This isn't about me. And that, really (honestly), brings me joy.
We are at a precipice of opportunity and I, too, am scared about what the next few weeks will bring. Every day there is an opportunity to see the work that needs to happen and to enter that with joy. I am still learning all of this, little bit little. When I changed my mind about what it meant to decide on joy, it started to find me. I felt like an even older me started to find me too. I missed her. And so before I get back there I want to remind me, you, all of us, that these systems are rigged to make us invent rules to games we can't win. And this is coming from someone for whom the world is very stacked to help succeed. The unearned privilege I have must continue to be the catalyst for preserving, elevating, and protecting the joy of others. This is both a challenge and a responsibility.
Decide it. Choose it. Deserve it. Really believe that: you deserve it.
It's been seven months of coming back to earth and meeting parts of ourselves again, or for the very first time. It's been seven months sinking into feelings that we used to shove under whatever cushion or carpet seemed most convenient. In these months, I've become all too familiar with the chest clenching feeling that signifies the onset of a period of extreme anxiety. I've seen what happens to my body and mind in my most stressful moments. These sensations are important to know because they can make me change my behavior. I've also learned what my naked toenails look like without the regular care of someone else's expert hands (it's not great!). I've realized that joy is an action that I have to take.
I still can't predict the future. I can't promise that I won't get back to the place I was in. But for right now, for this very moment, I am choosing something else. I deserved to be kinder to myself then, and while I can't change the past, I can do it now. This year has knocked so many of us off a track. It has unrelentingly shown us that change is the only constant. You can be kinder to yourself too. And when that feels hard, take a walk around the block. It always helps.
Finally, a reminder that I've needed. Don't let doom scrolling and tap tap tapping through IG stories and feed refreshing become your main hobby. Our hobbies are the things we do in our leisure time without getting paid for them, and they are a *choice*. When you remember to treat your time this way, I think it becomes easier to do literally anything else. You can know about the world, be involved, be informed, and share your creativity without letting your phone be your only hobby. Take back your personal time. Your precious mind deserves that break
There isn't a way to win at this, so be easy on yourself in the process. When the world feels helpless, help. ALL that said, something we can work to win is a lot A LOT in this election. Some ideas on that below and I'm open to more. Let's keep talking about all of it.
Take care of your brains, bodies, and loves. Be gentle with your emotions.
xo,
Molly
Permission Granted
Surprise (not surprise) — lots of political action and election-oriented stuff in here. Every other suggestion, to be exact. Lots of it is local to SF and California, which I usually try to avoid since so many of you are all over. But for now, it's important. I hope you are finding these sorts of resources wherever you are.
We're in the final weeks before the election. There are already record numbers of people early voting (this is good!) but there is still lots to do. If you're in SF, join me at Manny's Victory Booths. I'm signed up for a shift this Sunday at 4 and Tuesday at 5. Come along those days (or any days).
For those times when you want to write yourself into a dreamy English country house, sitting by the garden, sipping tea OR just change up your sweats routine, the nap dress trend awaits. There are lots out there, but let's be honest I'm going to be eating in this thing (on my couch) so let's keep it under $100 here. I got this one from Salter House.
Writer and activist Kara Brown is creating a series of design (and sometimes pop culture)-centric campaigns aimed to get first-time young voters to the polls. Donate and follow along with her daily direct action prompts (and reminder that posting on Instagram doesn't *really* count).
Speaking of tea, I'm leaning all the way in and recently bought a few different kinds from SF local woman-owned Flowerhead Teas.
Chef and activist Jose Andres and his World Central Kitchen launched an initiative #ChefsforthePolls to station meal handouts and food trucks in places with historically long lines to vote and support local food business in the process. Donate and see where they are looking for partnership and support.
Women-owned and queer-owned Scarlet Sage Herb Company is holding their one day a year sale TODAY. It's Witching Day so get your witch on. This is a delightful substitute for coffee and their lung support tea is especially critical during California fire season. But you should probably also get some tarot cards, candles, and so on...
MUVA: Move in Unity Victory + Action, a California community collective of Black womxn "seeking to demystify political and policy issues" put out a voter guide and cheat sheet breaking down the ballot initiatives through the lens of asking specific questions about racial justice.
Glossier x WNBA is the collaboration we didn't know we needed. And on that note, the new Body Hero products are coming home with me — they smell so, so good.