Confronting the 3
Hello again,
I couldn't find the words last week. The lack of directional signage was starting to get to me. I felt...unhinged, unmoored, uneverything. I would find myself spontaneously crying while doing absolutely nothing that merited that reaction. The cracks were starting to show.
I also unraveled, just a little, on a Saturday zoom call with friends. I momentarily lost my cool during the when do we think will this end? and what will it look like? and are people making the right decisions and behaving correctly and what have the latest studies have shown and did you read this did you see this did you hear this portion of the conversation. It's the natural, normal small talk of these times. I didn't realize how beaten down by all of this I felt. And so, I lashed out when I should have just taken a breather. Not my finest moment, folks. The cracks were definitely starting to show.
U okay, self? Vibe check? When everyone says they're a 7 out of 10, I can't help but hear the whisper of a soft 3. I respect your 7 if you're able to calibrate that well. I'm not always there. When I think about a real, true 10 and then scale that back to a solid 7...I was at a 3 (I'm fine, this is not a cry for help). Even knowing how comparatively lucky I am, a 3 is a 3. Being human right now has some real 3 energy.
What it took to get me out of my 3 wasn't anything ground-breaking. Let the tears seep out. Listen to the new Fiona Apple album. Contemplate everything, know nothing. Panic. Breathe. Think about both the good things and the bad things from before this. Decide to keep the good and appreciate it more. Decide that when we return we can recalibrate the things we sort of hated about whatever it is we were doing. Call people and listen to how they're doing. Have some ideas that feel exciting. Daydream about a future, however far away and unrealistic. Cook things that are more complicated than they need to be. Surrender to the absurdity of exactly what this is all exposing, which is far bigger than my tiny situation. Give to those who are doing work that feels meaningful. Eat toast beause it is the greatest food. Dig into the ways this is affecting people far outside your circle. Realize the enormity again and again. Revisit that surrendering. I decided that someday I will write a book. I don't know when, or what it will be, but it felt good just to say it to myself. This future, made-up book, is a nice thing to think about. Repeat.
When we don't have the usual things to look forward to like getaways, vacations, dinners, parties...we have to make them for ourselves. Pick something to be excited about and get excited about it. We don't miraculously have more time. We do have to think differently about the time we have. The things we love are still there, even when they look different. This isn't a blip. The trajectory has changed. It's a challenge. For a 3 to become a 7, the 7 is going to look different. We can get there.
This beautiful NYT piece by the owner of Prune in NYC is worth taking a break for. I will revisit it again and again for her words and her wisdom. While our own big, silent space sits, we're here presenting what we hope is something to gather around. We lay it out for you, even without the beautiful containers we love.
I got out of the 3. I've relit my fire. We can do all the things and we still may not get the result we expect. But we have to keep doing them. This has been true and will continue to be true. And all the while, emotions are so far outside of our control; never forget that. Yours are valid. We're all unraveling and rewinding together. We gather it up and on we go.
I hope to see you soon. You're doing great.
xo,
Molly
Permission Granted
To help #savetheUSPS (here's a simple graphic of *some* of the reasons this is important), I ordered a few sheets of forever stamps with fun designs. Every small order helps and who doesn't have an occassion for a T-Rex, moon landing, or Gwen Ifill stamp?
I made a somewhat embarassingly large order of artisan goods from Anson Mills a self-proclaimed "fussy" producer of grains and flours from South Carolina. Farros and polentas and popcorn kernels and oats are now in my freezer (idk, I'm following directions), at the recommendation of some killer chefs (I am not a killer chef). Go ahead and let their instagram inspire you. AND THEN let's make pizza dough together now that I have this '00' flour. Otherwise, this will be helpful for all that bread you're baking.
As a follow up to last week when I said I wanted to read Nobody Will Tell You This But Me by Bess Kalb — I listened to it on audiobook instead and then picked it for book club. I. Cried. A. Lot. I mean, a "matriarchal love story" about generations of women hits hard right now. And Bess is coming to book club to talk about it! Join us.
Let's dress for both the spring we're having and the summer we are hoping for. I'm supporting my local universe with this special edition sweatsuit from sensitive skin care line Peet Rivko (love the cleanser). And this Ganni dress (on sale lots of places) is now sitting in my closet awaiting a moment that *will* come.
Home improvement: bath rug from Quiet Town
Reading: Pretty Things by Janelle Brown
Up next: Writers & Lovers by Lily King
Listening: Fetch the Bolt Cutters from Fiona Apple (and her story behind every song).
Watching: Run (Merrit Wever is a gift) and the new season of Insecure on HBO
Cooking without recipes! It's a thrilling adventure.
Book links are Amazon, but check Bookshop.org and IndieBound to order from independent book sellers near you.